I have a wife. She’s the apple of my eye and she’s my friend and that’s good. I wish to pen some thoughts on marriage and relationships. I’m writing it for me, but there is always a danger that I might share it sometime. To share this with others requires that I write with others in mind. It changes the equation. To whom would I show my inner thoughts?
Feet first. Perhaps I will discover some pros and cons in the age-old distinctions between women and men. Men and women come in all sizes and shapes. For the purposes of this article and to separate the two in the minds of the casual reader, I’ll use a common stereotype I picked up as a child and refer to them as big people and little people.
If one can accept for my purposes that she is little people and I am big people, we can proceed. My woman is my honey enough of the time that I can say and mean it. Being a friend to a woman is not always easy. Taking it a step further, being a friend to a woman as a wife can be tough.
This is what I want to dissect, because my plan is to to persuade first me and then my audience that being married to the right woman is worth it in the long run.
Everyone knows women are different from men. Most of us enjoy the benefits and curse the downsides. That’s normal. Although they are generally not physically as strong as men, they have other strengths that compensate.
Men need women and women need men, not just to satisfy nature’s imperative. It is unfortunate that nature does its utmost to cloud out a reasoned decision relative to the choices individual men and women must make. Nature doesn’t care.
I want to draw attention to my wife now. The one I have can be sweet, helpful, and supportive. She is clearly in contention for first place in any contest for my sole reason for existence. She is intelligent, educated, directed, opinionated, compassionate and fully in charge of her life. To offer that I love her does not stick in my throat.
There may be some truth to the old saw that small (not little in my sense) people are driven to dominate those bigger than they. It certainly happens and I call it the Napoleon Complex. Here we deal with my first personal revelation. I sometimes feel that I am in competition with her for 50-50.
Staying even with my affiliation with my wife is important to me. I don’t think "man and wife" so much. They are lines written on paper, not lines drawn in the sand. I think partnership…equal partnership. I’m laid back to a point, a point that is always within reach. She runs the house, but I insist on mutual decisions as to running our lives.
We are both Alpha's , but in different ways. Whereas it is true that in every relationship one is stronger than the other in some important way if the connection is to survive, it is also true that both parties to any association need to leaven their conduct with respect for one another for it to live. Mutual happiness requires mutual respect.
Visualize a train track that disappears into the distance. The rails come together to the eye, whereas in reality, they never converge.
To me it means that one travels with one’s companion along the road of life in parallel, but when one perpetually overshadows the other, the tracks diverge and a life-altering train wreck is in store.
Marriage between two people is a coupling, a joining, a bond that, well cemented, will never break. To perfect a lasting marriage then, both halves of the union must try to meet at that far horizon point for their whole lives. They cannot. It is impossible for two objects to be in the same space at the same time, but they are driven to try, because marital glue presses ever inward to create a superior bond.
A marriage can be likened to an intertwining of souls. Each gives up something so that the combination can be greater than the sum of its parts. To give of you to another and for your partner to give equally is to cement it, because that giving is homogeneous. it creates inter-dependency. It is a configuration, in our example the mating of two, which acquires properties that cannot be derived from its separate parts.
To that end the coupling expresses an emotional attachment, a thing that would not exist without the acceptance of both parties to the relationship. It is this nebulous and ever mutable cement that bonds two as one.
Beyond the physical exists the social, psychological and emotional part of the mix.
Social pertains to what each part does to further its existence as it interacts with others. Although they are not a part of the solidly welded couple, others may exert strong influences that lead to changes that can be dangerous to it. Outsiders therefore provide a need for a couple to constantly re-strengthen their bond. They do that through mutual understanding of one another.
As people age, they change. They learn, they grow and a constant pull away from one another other is always felt. What worked initially may not over the long term. The glue is always under stress. We know the only thing in life that is constant is change. We know it, but we can never know is its direction unless we ourselves are guiding that direction.
The inner part of any relationship is handled though cognition and emotion. Psychologically, the couple must agree on a sufficient number of values basic to the mix so they may become homogeneous. If they act within like sand and water, or explosive in the sense that they cannot abide each other, either will be fatal to the combination.
The psychological is further separated into intellectual and emotional processes. Mental accommodations within create balance and emotional considerations provide excitement and vitality.